Random...

Are you someone who confuses 'Empathy' with 'Sympathy' too? I am someone who has worked hard at making myself understand the difference between the two...I don't always succeed but I try. Where am I going with this? Wait a bit... Those of us in Kerala recently woke up to the news of a young lady Banker who commited suicide within her workplace. People speculated as is usual. The debates took a new turn when a note penned by a senior representative of a Bank Employees Union spoke about increasing work stress and a new,target oriented work culture that was evolving within the banking sector. Soon, the note became 'viral' thanks to social media. As is always the case, when one view point gets popular, someone twiddling her/ his thumb over a smartphone elsewhere thinks up an opposing view point. 'We work to live and not the other way round. Every work has its associated work pressure, if one cannot handle that then one should be considered a misfit'...and so and so forth went the 'opinion'. This, somehow, reminded me of an incident that happened in my life when the 'Me too' movement had just started and people were shooting opinions both for and against. Someone close to me, whatsapped a personal forward. It was an opinion piece by a super senior lady doctor, born into a previleged family (upper class plus moneyed, deadly combination and protective factor). She had claimed that the 'Me too' movement was a farce propogated by women who used their sex to get favours and then when the time was right, called foul. She went onto state that she, during her 'illustrious' career never had to face unwanted advances from her male colleagues. She further claimed, it is totally the woman's charector that determines if she is subject to unwanted male advance. I went ballistic reading this. Now, the parallel I see in these two seemingly unconnected incidents is this. Both, the senior lady doctor as well as the person who declared if you cant take the stress, leave the job, speak from the same platform. That protected, hoodwinked platform that does not realise 'Choice' is not a luxury available to all. It is the same when you look at someone who stays in an abusive relationship and proclaim, 'If it were I, I would've walked out'. That is exactly the point. That person is Not you. Neither is that lady Bank Manager who passed on. Neither are the countless women who kept quiet for years before they found their voice. Just remembered this quote by an anonymous author, I'd read a while ago, "You know my name, not my story. You've heard what I've done, not what I've been through..."

When life puts you and me on pause...

 How does a pandemic of universal proportions, such as the one we are now in, affect us? I don’t mean the economic or physical toll it takes on us. Does something like this make us more thoughtful or selfish? Considerate or more entitled? Spiritual or superstitious? Have you pondered?

As almost everywhere else, we are on an ‘almost lockdown’ social situation too. This morning was my first venture outside to pick up essentials. As soon as I got out of the car I overheard a small altercation between the cleaning staff at the entrance, who was disinfecting trolleys, and a customer. The customer obviously was not satisfied with just the wiping down of the handle bars but wanted him to do the whole trolley. What struck me about the incident was that the man ‘demanded’ the service and then once he got it, marched away without even a smile.

Once inside, it was great to note that the majority paid heed to social distancing rules. But, what was missing too was the smile. I saw a lady in particular, who perhaps panicked at the sight of nearly 90% of the shoppers wearing masks, was attempting to hold her handkerchief as protection. When I saw her before the rack of sweeteners asking a clueless shelf stacker about icing sugar, I pointed it out to her. She practically recoiled, threw a scathing look at me and muttered, “I don’t want that one”. I checked if I had crossed the limits of ‘social distance’, I hadn’t.

Not all of us can be frontline heroes. But within our limited purviews, we still can do our bit.

Let us not be doomsday prophets

All of us love to be messengers of ‘tragedy’ (Aristotle was right). When it comes to news, we focus on the gory, the base, and the attention to blood curdling specifics. Think about it, are we as quick to share news of human happiness as that of falls. The same trait rears up when it comes to a contagion, a pandemic. We all become re-tellers of deep kept ‘conspiracy theories’ to predictions of unimaginable suffering. This trait, fuelled by social media, is education independent. Have you spared a minute to think about the spirals of despondency and panic this mindless pounding of misinformation could send the ‘vulnerable’ into? If you don’t have the time, the patience to verify don’t be mindless harbingers of misinformation. Especially, when it comes to something as serious as a pandemic.

Let us take as per our need and not greed…

I think a whole lot has been written about hoarding of provisions and the like, so let us focus elsewhere. As of date, the contagion has reached gargantuan proportions. Dr.Tedros Adhanom, the head of the World Health Organization, stated in a media briefing held earlier this week that a lot many countries and healthcare centres are worried over shortage of Personal Protective Gear (PPE), in simple terms the protective gear that frontline healthcare professionals need whilst working with severely ill patients. The Centre for Disease Control (CDC) states, “Supplies of N95 respirators can become depleted during an influenza pandemic or worldwide outbreaks of other respiratory illnesses”. These official quotes have to be read alongside reliable Dos & Don’ts in self-protection that has been repeatedly conveyed to us as public.

-      a) Follow rules of Social Distancing

-       b) Proper Respiratory Hygiene

-       c) Proper Hand Hygiene

Experts say that masks might give a casual wearer, like you and me, a false sense of security. Club this with a heightened propensity to touch your face to straighten the uncomfortable mask and perhaps repeatedly smothering it with infection. The same is to be said with gloves. Just watch someone go about with gloves, they touch everywhere and become vehicles of infection. Do we always remember to sanitize before we touch across surfaces? 

Of course we need an appropriate mask if we are sick and do not want to infect others with our droplets, a primary care giver to a sick person or are someone under extreme risk for contracting the disease. A mask also protects us from being sneezed upon by someone in a lift, a shopping aisle, you say. True, but that is where the rules of social distancing come. Once, that is done right, even a cloth mask or scarf will work if you remember the rules of Hand Hygiene and proper disinfection after use.

Remember, supplies are short and if the front line workers fall, we are on our own into doomsday march.

Let us spread the right information and help to those who don’t have the privilege…

Our building caretaker rang our doorbell on the second day of lock down. He came to request me to remove the two potted plants I’d kept outside our front door because the Municipality officials who came for checks said so. He had worn a dirty scarf over his nose and it kept slipping off and on several times during the 2 minutes he stood there. He wore because the officials who came casually warned him about precautions. He knew no hand hygiene, no sanitizer, and no 20 second hand washing technique. Your building caretaker in your apartment block, the lift operator, the car cleaner, your domestic help…there are many round you who may not always be able to understand vital information and even when they do, have the spare currency to buy that extra bottle of sanitizer so easy for you and me. Little things go a long way now.

Let us rely more on the likes of Dr.Tedros and less on the likes of Adagudamada Gurus…

Keep those astrologers, soothsayers and gurus on hold unless it is plain spirituality talk. Let them talk about what they specialize in and let Dr.Tedros talk about his. Follow the right sources for information. And, stop at the appropriate amount of information.

Now, I ask again. Has the pandemic given you an extra ‘humane’ edge or has it taken away more? Remember, this too shall pass, my friend!

A letter to you child, before you sit for those 'board exams'...

A letter to you child, before you sit for those 'board exams'.I asked myself several times if I should pen this to you before I decided I should. Hope you spare a moment to read...

Ten years down the line, no one is going to remember your 'score'.
It is important, I wont tell you otherwise. But, those numbers are not going to 'irrefutably' determine the course of who you finally evolve into. Remember, it is diversity that makes the Earth beautiful - we need the grass as much as we need the tall oaks. Else, Earth & its sentient beings would've been assembly line products, not part of an amazing evolutionary process! Don't let anyone convince you otherwise. 

Give it your best and leave it at that is a great maxim to live by. You may have parents who understand that or you may have parents who pressurize, never mind. Ultimately, it is you who has been given the responsibility...the honour of taking care of 'You' - this unique combination of strengths and weaknesses.

Do not allow scathing remarks by the significant adults in your life undermine you. Of course, if you are not giving it your best, not using your strengths, then you definitely need some speaking to! But, if you are, then never mind the rest.

It is perfectly alright to feel overwhelmed at times. The best among us experiences it too. For, who ever promised life will be a boring straight line?

It is perfectly okay to feel sad at times. But, deliberately counter it with a beautiful moment or memory. It can be simple, just go and hug your equally tensed parent/significant adult (even if they are grouchy) or look up at the skies or go out and treat yourself to an ice cream, or just close your eyes- breathe deep-pat yourself and whisper, 'I'm there for you, no worries' ...just do something to let the 'moment' pass, be it anything! And, if you can't beat those blues by yourself, reach out to someone who will listen. If you need help, do not hesitate, ask! Tell your significant adult that your 'sadness' threatens to overwhelm and you need help. When faced with bare facts, people do help. I repeat, do not hesitate.

You might be the straight 'A+' scorer or you might score other grades, but whatever it is decide that you will be there for all your peers. Decide that apart from your significant adults and the higher education forms you fill, no one 'needs' to hear your percentile. If they don't know, they cant compare. Remember, in life very few people question because they really care. Plus, do you know what your parent/your head teacher scored in 1961 , who scored more and who scored less? Does it matter now?

Life gives you choices and chances, don't be convinced otherwise. Remember, it is perseverance that paid off in the 'Hare & Tortoise' race.

All the very best to you, my dear.

Together we stand...

Monsoons in Kerala are not always romantic. Not to a 17-year-old who is trekking that lonely stretch to reach the bus station. It is a 2-5 pm first year of college examination day and at 5.15, it is almost dark. There is a figure who keeps step with her and is incessantly mouthing obscenities. She hides the tremble from her voice and tells him off. It does not deter him. She runs the last lap, the blood pounding in her chest. It is Circa 1993.

A group of carefree friends happily trade stories as they saunter. A hand comes up stealthily from behind and paws her to hurt, terribly. The pain is sudden and excruciating that she screams. Heads poke out of the windows of a nearly full bus that passes by. A few male faces break out in a grin when they realize what must have happened. Filled with rage the group of friends chase the owner of the offending hand as he runs into a printing press in the vicinity. The girl angrily storms inside and demands they let him out. Voices deny and suddenly the guy rushes out on a bicycle through the back door and as she helplessly watches, vanishes...Circa 1996

First job with one of the biggest newspaper names in the country. She is only 22. And, for the first time alone in a big city. Her boss promises to put her on par with the rest of the team, if she performs. She puts heart and soul into her niche. He is a senior stringer reputed to bargain for favours in return for stories. And, this is where she unknowingly hurts him in her zest for work. Repercussions begins as subtle comments made in soft tones - sleazy hints that it is her femininity that was landing her stories. She is shocked but ignores. Then come the carefully manipulated  manoeuvres at the least expected moments, those as if by accident, brushes against the body. This time she tells him off. He flings out his hands in 'helpless' innocence. She complains to her immediate superior, he looks taken aback. Does nothing. She thinks her time has come when she catches him red handed snitching a press invite in her name. She goes to the topmost guy in office with a complaint. The guy blatantly denies all. Absolutely nothing happens. It is a junior reporter who might leave for greener pastures Vs this old sod who has been here forever. Who gets priority is a no brainer! Circa 1998.

She has just gone into the washroom to freshen up. Some instinct makes her look up and she sees the tips of two hands gripping the air vent from the opposite side, as if to pull up. Shocked she yells, "who is that?". A sudden thud and feet that run away as she comes out as quickly as possible. She walks into the HR department armed with a complaint. She is confident of corrective action since the human resource manager is a woman too. Next day, a cardboard piece clumsily stuffed into the air vent is the 'stringent' action taken. Circa 2000

She works at the Chennai office. Her work entitles frequent email and telephonic co-ordination with a senior reporter in the Mumbai head office. Always soft spoken, helpful and polite, he builds up trust over two years. She resigns and joins elsewhere in due course.Then by chance, they meet in person while he is on a visit to the town. He returns and then the tone of his emails change. It comes as utter, complete shock and she severs contact, completely. Circa 2001

It is a busy day at work. Office is now a 15 minutes walk from where she stays, via a short cut. It is 8 pm and the lane is empty that night. She is not afraid since it is a familiar route. The orphanage she frequents during weekends to read stories to kids is just round the corner. A 'bullet' passes her with its huge chug chug noise. Lulled by the familiarity of the daily path and her thoughts she pays no heed when the bike reaches the end of the road and veers back. As it reaches her, the headlights dim and a hand suddenly explodes forward to whack her across the chest. She almost falls. The bike speeds away. Shock and pain give way to anger and then to fear. She suddenly remembers how the small children from the orphanage sometimes run out to play or on small errands. She imagines them in her place against the man on the bike. She dares her way to the nearest police station. The era of citizen friendly policing is still not on and there isn't a single woman in uniform or otherwise at the station. She lodges a complaint. It is nearly 9pm. For two evenings thence, the green, anti eve teasing squad jeep remains parked near the lane. Then it disappears. A month later, she hears the same chug chug...Circa 2002

Her nineteen year old domestic help is almost in tears. The girl is the sole bread-winner in her family of three. Her single mother suffers depressive episodes and her brother is too young. In between tears, the girl reveals how someone from where she worked as domestic help before, is constantly tormenting her over the phone.She answers the call this time and from courage that stems out of anger says, "If you call once more or do anything at all to this child, I will be at your doorstep with the cops. I promise you that. I dare you to try it just once more". To this day, she does not know how it worked but maybe it was the tone, the filmy style...but, the guy never called her again. Circa 2007.

Years have passed. The stories stay. There are many more. Some said, many left unsaid. Some acted upon, many left as is, in sheer helplessness.These stories are mine. I relive them, again, because today I had to tell off yet another person who bombarded me with derogatory messages about the women who share their #metoo stories.

Of late it is less anger and more  a feeling of let down when yet another 'evolved/educated' soul mouths privilege talk. Not everyone with #metoo stories have kept quiet. Some of us have complained ourselves hoarse, several times, to no avail. Do you know what courage it takes for a vulnerable, young girl to stand up for herself, again and again, and yet not be taken seriously? Do you know the fear that comes when you realize that your unaddressed complaints make your oppressor more brazen? Do you know what gall it takes to stand alone in an alien city with no godfathers?
And, do you even realise that some women, most women, don't even have the choice to just walk away from it all, like you and me.

What makes it so difficult for anyone to understand that 'choice' is a luxury not available to a wide majority. And, if you have it, know that it is a privilege. It is not a pedestal for you to stand up on and gloat.

PS: My better half who reads this account as I finish, suddenly pipes up, "What about those young children. The ones who perhaps are abused by their very own. Do these people say that these little children too had the choice to just walk out of the situation? He is so right!

Respect and peace to every survivor out there #Metoo

Why my Feminism and the Sabarimala ruling mismatch!

My paternal grandmother was a formidable, Nair matriarch. She ruled her terrain with an iron will. She had 6 boys, my dad being the youngest. One of my earliest childhood memories is of the huge family get togethers we had at her place during Onam and Vishu, the huge sumptuous sadyas (traditional feasts). The pecking order at her place was set - the children first, the menfolk and then the women. As the youngest in the huge brood of cousins, this did not really strike me until once, when somehow a few more of us turned up for lunch and she ordered that the boys be given priority over girls in seating for lunch. I vividly remember 6 - 7 year old me marching upto her and saying, " Ammoomma, unless you seat us kids altogether, I refuse to eat your lunch. The boys are no better than us". She was taken aback for an instant, then smiled. We got to eat together and then on many other occasions she told me, as a compliment, I'm like her. This also meant I got an extra two rupee note as Vishu Kaineettam (cash given as traditional gift to younger ones on Vishu).

I tell you this story to say I'm not anti-feminist. I do not hold onto archaic values just in the name of tradition. People who know me brand me as outspoken and persistent on gender parity. But, I oppose the current Supreme Court order on women entering Sabarimala.

Before you raise those cudgels, let me also tell you, I do not buy those stories of Lord Ayyappa being a brahmachari and hence averse to women. Neither, do I believe that a woman entering the temple will invoke divine wrath and an apocalypse. I will not simplify or downgrade an entity I believe in as part of my faith, into a vengeful, threatening monster.

I oppose this because it is part of a belief system close to my heart. The same as the one that makes me light an oil lamp at sunset, the same as the one that makes me put my palms together as token of repect when I say my prayers, the same as the one that invokes spirituality when I smell the fragrance of camphor, incense sticks and jasmine flowers. I oppose this because I do not in anyway see it as something that either harms my rights as a woman or improves my status as a human.

It definitely is not the same as the caste system that divided humanity into sects and deemed some as untouchables. It does not dehumanise me, it does not marginalise me. It is definitely not the same as the Sati or the dowry system. And, definitely not like the landmark legislation set rolling by the Channar Lahala. It does not empower me.

I oppose this because I see the whole episode as a drama orchestrated by people who understand none of the sentiments/emotions associated with the belief system. If they did, then they would've completed a pilgrimage of Vaishnodevi and all the other temples before they zeroed in on Sabarimala. They would've been aware of the existence of 'Attukaal' and participated in the annual festival that exclusively celebrates womanhood. They would've been aware of the Chengannur Mahadeva temple with its celebrations revolving round the Devi idol that menstruates, visited the Khamakhya devi temple. It is the same as the system that calls upon the Muslim to namaz five times in a day. The same as the one that calls Christian women to become celibates and dedicate their lives in service as nuns. It is part of my belief system.

And, for any worthwhile "social change", as the SC order supposes to be a harbinger of, to hold water, it should be a cause of celebration for atleast a considerable percentile of the population it proposes to save. As I see it, this ruling neither improves my condition as a woman nor does it address the more burning misogynistic attitudes that sideline my existence. It does not make me feel any more safe or empowered at my own hearth, my workplace or in the society I live in. All it does is sideline, shove, cajole the public eye from what really matters!

Of Santas and gifting joys

When I was small, I had a personal Santa. Well, mine did not come   just at X'mas. Neither owned a reindeer sledge  nor sported a huge paunch, white beard, and the red gear. And, my Santa was
 'she':-D. She was the one who initiated my transfer from picture/comic books to regular books (8 O'clock Tales by Enid Blyton, I remember), got me my very first, own perfume bottle (a roll on Yardley lavendar), introduced me to moisturising lotions other than Pond's Cold Cream - the staple at home, got me my first offbeat, trendy coloured Pattu Pavadai ( a pista green) etc etc. She was also the first woman I admired for her easy and elegant style, that inspired respect not attention. She was also the first person who absolutely refused to give 10 year old, fat me (I was as plump as a cushion and a huge foodie) my 4th dosa and woke me up at dawn to 'learn skipping' and trim down ( I tricked her by going upto the terrace and making big stomping noises instead of skipping). She was also the only adult relative who thought of sitting me down and advising me to 'save' when I got my first job at 22 (Well, I thought I had a long way to go, missed acting on the advice and here I am, still the same).
As an adult, somewhere down the line, I too got the hang of giving surprise gifts to people. Sometimes, just because I thought they needed cheering up but most often, just because it gave me the "Giver's high". Now, I've slowly started tapering down this habit because I began to realise it only gave rise to a sense of entitlement, atleast in some people.
Very recently, just out of the blue it struck me that the one person I've never gifted anything to was my Santa! It also made me realise that in a way, I too had taken it for granted that it was always the Santa's responsibility to gift. But, why!!!
Time relocated my Santa to Canada way back in 2002. We dont meet often these days. But still, when I close my eyes and think of the handful of people who really mean something to me, she features on the list, quite prominently. And, it felt wonderful to return the happiness and send my Santa a gift for her 61st (or is it 62nd) birthday. She just received it and the joy is all mine. Advance Happy Birthday, dearest Uma athai!

On the internet, it must be true. Click fwd and let the world know clever me!

"Drink 2 glasses of water mixed with 2 tablespoons of white vinegar (acetic acid) and watch that fat melt away miraculously. No exercise, eat what you want." (Aside: If nothing else melts, atleast your stomach lining will).

"Cure is found for XYZ. Contact +1234XXX5678, Dr.Anaivasal in Dindigul district. Spread the word". (Aside: It does not matter if you send a sick, desperate, gullible person on a wild goose chase to nowhere.)

 "This week is equinox. Make the Sun your whatsapp profile picture or ultraviolet rays will target your smart phone and burn your ear drum.Share, save a life." (Aside: 2 seconds to rewind back to school and remember what equinox is. But, why bother.)

 "Watch video of caste xxx boy being beaten up by caste yyy goon. Watch and share among your friends. Let everyone know the truth." (Aside: err...how did I know it was X vs Y? ...I know, the friend who shared told me. Look carefully, can't you tell by looking at them?)

 "See actress XYZ's social gaffe, dupatta slips over head to reveal ear! Share to see full video." (Aside: Woah! treat for the day!)

 "This is the dung beetle. Look at this image carefully. You can see how closely he resembles the elephant. In fact, the dung beetle evolved from the mammoth, the ancestor of modern elephant. So, you can refer to it as mini-elephant too. Both same same." (Aside: Likeapedia told me...so now, tada.)

 "This is the year of the Kubera.Share this among 10 of your friends and invite Kubera into your home.Become wealthy in 10 days."(Aside: Too bad if you think I'm spamming you. I can't miss out on Luck.)

 "Use brown sugar. Now, what is brown sugar? Take white sugar, with big granules, add a teaspoon of jaggery in it. Mix mix mix. This is brown sugar." (Aside: How dare you you contradict my knowledge. I know all about it. My grocerywallah told me.)

 ...welcome to the age of know alls.