Winds of change...its now or never!

We met on a matrimonial site. Circa 2003. His proposal was shortlisted mainly because he was a doctor and both my parents too were doctors. Appa had a special respect for his chosen fraternity and I shared it, what with being brought up by two and after having worked as a medical journalist.

As was common in those days, my profile was created in such a way that it was my Appa who was on the lookout for suitable matches for his child. But then again, it being those years, dad was not very computer savvy and it was I who drafted the profile. One of the important points it stated was, 'We, as a family, do not believe in the dowry system. And, if yours does, please do not respond to this profile'.

Dr. Satish (his real name) wrote in his interest to my father, in perfect, old school gentleman style. Appa was impressed. He was in training for his MRCPCH in the UK. Soon after, we began corresponding. I had taken a break from work to do a second Masters during that time and was in Chennai. His parents were retired and settled in Bangalore.

I was home in Kerala on a short break and his parents visited. It was a short, informal meet and they claimed that they too wanted to settle in Kerala and had come to check out a property they had shortlisted at Kottayam (my hometown). After I returned to Chennai, Satish during the course of one of our chats (it was yahoo and hotmail chat times) said, "My mother really liked that carved, antique teapoy set in your house. Are the tusks on those carved elephants real ivory?". I was gobsmacked that a first time visitor would pay such attention to details of furniture etc. The conversation changed soon after.

Fast forward a few more weeks, the alliance was on in full arranged marriage style. Satish came down to India. We met at home, with parents in tow. His parents had bought a very old house in Kottayam, which they mentioned that they planned to renovate. As in most arranged marriage meets, I felt no special spark at our meeting. But yet, two incidents happened which struck me as very odd. When we had a few minutes alone, Satish in great hurry thrust a small gift into my hand and said, "I brought this for you, but don't take it out before my parents". And, the second was when his mother requested to my mom that she wanted to see me in a saree. I did voice my protest to mom but she mollified me saying it was a harmless request. And, when I did wear a saree, the lady looked at me, nodded as if satisfied and said, "She does not look like my elder daughter in law who is so stocky. My DIL looks so rotund in a saree".She also brought out a wedding picture of the elder son to show us his wife.

The two incidents kept playing on my mind. But contrary to my usual nature, I did not voice this to my parents. The main reason was because I was riddled with guilt, for already disappointing them twice - once, over a never should have happened love affair and second, a haphazard attempt at proposing to a friend on the rebound and which did not work out (on hindsight luckily for both of us). I was 28. I decided to voice my concerns to a senior Psychiatric counsellor who mentored me during my summer apprenticeship at an NGO. Looking back, I do not know if it was his traditional upbringing or he simply did not want to take the responsibility of a marital alliance break up, he told me, "Focus on the positive side. Satish likes you so much that he brought you that gift. Maybe his parents are conservative and that is why he chose to hide it from them".

A couple of weeks fast forward. A wedding date is set and the hall booked. We are corresponding on a regular basis too.

Then one day, a phone call from Appa.

" Dear,I want to ask you something.Do you really like Satish? Will you be very disappointed if this does not work out? If so, tell me and I will make this happen". Appa, what exactly is this? Tell me...

To cut a long story short, once the date and venue were fixed the 'would have been in-laws' had made the following statements, over many days...

-How much gold are you planning to give Molu (daughter). You saw my elder daughter in law's picture, no. She was wearing 100 sovereigns. It's not that we want anything but if Molu can't match that, then she might be embarrassed.

-We want a very grand wedding here. But since we are settled in Bangalore for several years, all our friends are there. So, we want you to give a grand reception there.

-Since you are not from Bangalore, how about giving us Cash in advance so that we can arrange the Reception in Bangalore.

After that 3rd call, my dad had put them on hold and said, "I'd like to talk to my daughter and ask her opinion". Till then, he hadnt told me because he too (like I did) assumed he might disappoint me!

Appa, don't even ask me, call this off immediately.

Appa, however, decided to give it one last shot by emailing Satish about this. The guy responded, "See Doctor, my parents are only trying to make your daughter's life comfortable. After all this is all for her. Even here I have just bought an apartment, wont she get that too". That made us laugh! The sheer ludicrousness.

We called it off.

Circa 2023.

Yet another smart, beautiful professional lady, with a brilliant future ahead of her, decides to end it all. Her would be groom called off the wedding because the dowry was not enough! Yet another statistic, yet another news item from my cent percent literate State.

I was in two minds before penning this down. Will I be able to get the message across in the right manner? Does it sound like I'm preening? Its sheer luck that I had a man like my dad as father. Pure destiny. But, then I decide to pen it down because over the years, I've realised that the courage that most people around me associate me with is something that was taught to me by my dad.

Why is it that we instill in our daughters that her 'self worth' is determined by someone else. Why do we teach her to measure her societal status by how docile she is? Perhaps that is the unspoken code of conduct that we instill deep in them by how we lead our own lives. Mothers who let themselves be trampled, walked over and treated as properties. Fathers who show them this is how real 'alpha males' treat their women, don't dare dream for better.

PS: Let us not make any judgemental/patronising comments or opinions about the young medico who passed away. We, in no way, know what she went through. Rest in Peace, young one.

Reverse empty nest syndrome

 With nuclear families, almost everyone has become familiar with the concept of 'The empty nest syndrome'- we've either experienced it or seen someone experiencing it. But, what about the reverse? Maybe, I'll call it the Reverse Empty Nest syndrome. This is the term that came to mind when I attempted to name the strange feeling of 'uprootedness' that hit me, periodically...and,over the years. I tried searching the term on the internet and it did throw up an article or two but these were mostly about youngsters whose parents shifted residence, geographically, while they were away in Universities. And, not from an Indian perspective. What is special about the Indian perspective,you ask? Well, we seem to have a culture-specific propensity to delay moving out of our parents' homes and, even if we do move out we keep coming back, we never quite quit thinking of our parental homes as some kind of base, a taproot perhaps.

I got employed just after my 22nd birthday,in another state. Each journey back and forth saw my entire family heading out to the railway station to either see me off or see me in. My Appa, used to drive me crazy with his repeat phone calls to check if I'd checked/rechecked my tickets, if the train/bus was on time, when would I be reaching (though he knew it) etc etc. Once the destination moved from Chennai to Bangalore, the journey moved from trains to overnight buses so that I could alight closer home. It also meant the buses reached early in the morning by 6.30 or so. Appa would wake up much much earlier and come over to where I alight, atleast 1/2 hr in advance. Like all youngsters, I found his solicitousness annoying and at times, have even told him off. 

Later, when I moved along with the spouse to Middle East, my amma, took over the role. And, though I did try to convince her to not undertake the 3 hour car ride to pick me up as I arrive at the airport, she came saying she'd like to spend the time during the trip back home talking to me. I was secretly glad. This phase ended when amma moved to be with my sibling. 

Then, home base shifted to where my in-laws resided. More specifically, my mother in law. The two years that Covid raged, we did not make the trip to Kerala. December 2021, I took my then preteen, home for a two week visit. When I called to inform them of our plans to visit, my eldest sister in law, who was there, simply said, "I'm so happy that you are coming". I was beyond happy to hear that! And, when we arrived, I saw my usually not very emotive father in law literally beam. Those two weeks were some of the happiest times my daughter and I had. 

In June 2022, I went again. But, this time it was for a scheduled spine surgery. During a casual chat, on one of my days of recuperation, my mother in law stated. "Why am I, such an old person, alive when so many youngsters die?". Amma, it is because you are here that I could take it easy after my surgery, I told her. Her face cleared. That trip was the last I saw her alive.

We will be travelling to India, hopefully soon. My father in law is still there. My sisters in law too. But now, I know this too is a time bound luxury. In an average person's life, there are broadly 2 phases. The one when you have your parents with you and the other, when they are not around. This strikes you, even more, at times when the body fails to match the pace your mind wants to set.

Reverse empty nest syndrome...